The red thread

the fate of friendships

I believe in the red thread of fate. It’s a philosophy that is sometimes said to be about soulmates, but can also be about every person in your life. I like to think it’s about relationships in general. To me, it’s about fate bringing meaningful people into your life when you need them for as long as you need them. This could be a good friend, a lover, a mentor. It could mean you interact with someone for a day, a year, or a lifetime. This post is about friendships.

I’ve had this conversation with a couple of people lately. The last couple of years have made us think more deeply about friendships and relationships in general as lockdowns and more remote work have forced us into more isolated environments; we have reevaluated our circles.

What makes someone a friend versus an acquaintance? Is that person a true friend? Have you kept in touch? What about politics? Did that cause you to lose touch with someone?

I’ve made lots of friends over the years and have lost touch with most of them. I treasure those friendships and sometimes mourn them. But I don’t feel like they were for nothing. Every friendship was worth it, even those that ended in anger or disagreement. They made me who I am today. They taught me something about myself, they helped shape my life.

I had close friends in high school, in college, after college, and professionally, etc. And most of those folks, I don’t talk to anymore. The red thread of fate ensured we met but tied them to me for only a short time.

I look back and think about all these people and wonder what they are up to. What are their lives like? I hope they are doing well. They all deserve great lives and all had wonderful things about them that made them excellent humans. I like to think they are all off on grand adventures, living fantastic, magical lives. Maybe that’s true. Or maybe they are caught up in the bustle of family and the joys of new friends. In any case, I don’t know them anymore.

Is that sad? Of course.

I’m tempted to blame some of this on my personality. I’m very much an out-of-sight, out-of-mind kind of person. A true INTJ if you’re into that sort of thing. But, I don’t think that’s really what’s going on here. Because, like I said, I think this phenomenon has happened to almost everyone I know to some extent. I think it’s natural and more importantly, totally okay.

Some folks put pressure on themselves to nurture every friendship and acquaintance they make and try to keep in touch with all of these people. They attempt to control that thread of fate and bind people to them forever, even as those people begin to drift away.

But I think that’s unsustainable and leads to mutual disappointment in the form of empty promises like “Keep in touch”, “Let’s grab coffee”, and “We should definitely see each other more”, without then actually getting together or even texting, calling, or keeping in touch.

After so many of these disappointments, you start to question, is this actually a friendship? or is it just something everyone says because they think they should to maintain the appearance of friendship?

I think it’s okay to let these relationships go.

It’s okay to say, “You know what? Maybe we aren’t close right now. Maybe in the future, we will be close again, and maybe we won’t. But we had some good times and that was great.”

The time you spent together won’t disappear, it doesn’t fade away. It’s changed each of you for the better and improved your lives. Let fate decide if the thread will bring you back together. It’s okay to mourn that loss. But to cling to it and to keep trying to make it work with empty promises only leads to continued dissatisfaction and bad feelings.

Currently, I have a handful of friends who, even though we’re spread across the country, keep in touch through text and the occasional face-to-face visit. Sometimes we might not talk for weeks, but we can pick up where we left off like no time has passed.

Last week I met up with one of these friends that I hadn’t seen in person for about five years. We went on a trip, hung out, and had a blast. I may not see her again for years, but we chat regularly over text.

I hope I don’t lose touch with her. Perhaps we’ll grow old together, texting and meeting up every few years (hopefully more frequently!) Maybe someday we will move closer together and be able to spend more in-person time together.

She’s one of my closest and longest friends. We share everything about anything. I treasure all the time we’ve spent together and know that she’s truly made me a better person. If someday we grow apart and lose touch I’ll grieve for a very long time.

You never know who the red thread of fate will have you meet. When you meet them, appreciate them. And if fate has you move on, you don’t have to forget those you have met along the way, cherish those moments and memories. But you can lament and move on, you never know, you might meet again. Or not. And that’s okay too.